I think I've pretty much given up on Nano, again. I made it to a little over 4000 words though and I have a good start to my story. So that's good. Just too much stress right now.

My dreams are starting to become nightmares again and I know that's a definite sign the stress is getting to me.
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Prison of Pain, Prison of Fear

I sit.

I sit here.

I sit here at my computer clicking the refresh icon over and over.

I can’t help it.

I feel like I’m sitting on pins and needles.

The other night I had a dream that was a bit odd. An old friend and I were in a jail cell. We were waiting for something; I’m not sure what. Before my conscious brain could catch up to the abnormal fact that a man and woman were in a jail cell together and wake me up, my friend and I got up to walk out of the cell. It was unlocked. We wandered in and out of the jail cell and back and forth from the guards’ desk. When I woke up, I discovered this dream was easy to interpret. I feel somehow that my friend and I are locked into a prison of our own making. Similar situations that we are free to leave any time we choose.

I have a story for you. I know a woman who I believe is truly enlightened. Through all of the bad things in her life, physical and emotional struggles, she has come out strong and beautiful. This is a woman who will LITERALLY give someone the coat from her back. Involved in so many alternative and arty communities here in Colorado and in other states, she is giving, loving, powerful, creative and spiritual. Her writing and philosophies always leave me feeling wonder and awe and I learn something new from her each time we talk. She is constantly and consistently amazing.

In January of this year she was able to marry her soul mate. If anyone deserves to find and be with her true love, it is this woman.  In June of this year she and her husband found out they were expecting. The excitement of a beautiful baby to enrich their lives, to love and cherish. Last week they found out the baby’s gender and decided on a wonderful name that has meaning to many.

On November 18th, 2010 the woman and her husband were in a car accident. There will not be a new baby. The husband is sitting in his hospital bed, grieving and afraid. He does not know if she will live or die. None of us, her friends and family, know if she will survive.

We sit.

We sit here.

We sit here waiting to find out if we are going to lose this light in our lives.

I feel like I’m back in the prison of my dream. I want to leave, but I see fear and pain waiting just outside the doors. They are lurking close, just waiting for me. I cannot escape until I know. None of us can.

Please, dear, sweet lady, please, please be ok. We’ll be here for you when you wake up. Just please wake up.


At first it was a party

then there was a big joke with the group of guys sitting in the corner of the room. Were they really members of that cool new band. Turns out they were. But when we tried to leave, it didn't work. After trying on foot and by motorcycle we realized we were caught in a trap, a loop. We turned around to go back in and everything was changed. It was all abandoned. Broken chairs and dust and spider webs. Grass dying where it wasn't taking over. The band was still there and so was their boss and he promised to get us all out, but we had to do what he said.

This dream was just freaking bizarre. And of course there was more to it, but by the time I got here, it faded. I may have to start keeping a by the bed dream journal again. This time of year the dreams are so vivid, but only for a short time after waking.
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Dreams and new nightmares

had a sexual dream about Nicolas Cage. Very disturbing, because I really dislike that actor. Had another dream that started off weird then turned bad. Can't remember the details but Commander Worf of the Star Trek Enterprise came to save me. I cried into his uniform. Woke up from that one feeling rather odd. Then had a dream where all the men I currently am attracted to were telling me that I can't get a man because I'm so fat. Over and over they kept telling me that I am fat. Too fat for anyone to like. My dreams are not usually that clear cut...
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Here there be Dragons - LJ Idol Week 1

So I'm sitting here and trying to meditate. Not working. Can't empty my mind. Then I think maybe I should visualize. But what should I visualize. I need this job but I can't imagine sitting at the desk. I can't imagine the interview. I can't picture the human resource manager's face. But I can daydream.

And as I let my fantasies run wild I imagine a great lake. So huge, I can't see the other side. This lake is surrounded by mountains and forest. I can feel the crisp, autumn air on my face. I realize that the lake is slowly circling below me. Because I'm flying! I imagine I am a powerful creature, flying high in the sky, letting nothing touch me but the wind. I fill my lungs with air in a deep breath and as I exhale, I imagine blowing out fire towards the ground.

I let the energy fill me up, flow through me and back out again. I feel my enormous wings flap in the breeze as I roll my shoulders up and back and down again. Fill with air, flap wings, breathe out fire. I see the lake slowly circling closer. I take a huge breath and see the lake coming fast up at me as I dive deep, deep inside.

I let the icy waters of the lake flow over me and clear my mind of all worries. When I cannot bear to hold my breath any longer I flow up, up, faster and faster until I break the surface and feel the air again. Letting out the fire and taking in another cleansing breath I fly high into the sky. So high, the moisture from the water starts to freeze on my skin. I slowly glide back down to my starting position and start the circling again.

A few more deep breaths and I open my eyes. I got this. I will keep my dragon self inside, near the surface to lend me the strength I need to get through my day.


I really wish I could have written down this dream before it faded. Here is what is left: There was some kind of trial or tribunal and I was the one on trial and there was the good in white and the bad in grey and the one woman in red that I know had something but I can't remember what. My Lawyer, (for lack of a better word) was in white but every time he did something wrong his clothing turned a darker shade of grey. I remember both the men in the black outfits and the white outfits were teasing and warning him about going all the way one color. I was wearing grey.

Nerd Alert

WOW.  That was crazy.  I should not watch Battlestar Galactica while hopped up on cold meds.

I dreamed that I was a viper pilot and my partner and I got caught with a ship whose FTL computer was down and when we got it up, our jump calculations were off and we ended up on earth.  We didn't speak the same language and were arrested.  the ship and the other viper got away, but I had to warn the earth humans about the cylons and escape myself.  I ended up on a roof in Italy but managed to get my gear hooked up and took off into space.  It was very detailed.  I made it back to the rest of the colony people, but then they thought I was a cylon myself because I was trying to tell them where earth was. but we got it all figured out in time for me to hop back in my viper and fight some toaster butt!!
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